BORSCHT NEWS

Nov 30, 2016 OFFICIAL TOP SECRET GUIDE TO ART WEEK MIAMI

O glory day!
We the unwashed citizens of Miama in the great state of Sociopolitical Punchline rejoice at the arrival of Miami Art Week!
While we may spend the other 51 weeks of the year ruining elections and murdering one another in increasingly bizarre ways as our land makes its slow but inevitable march to the bottom of the sea, for this one week we have CULTURE! For this one week the book-learned and clothing-fitted and corporate-sponsored and the moneyed-enough-to-acquire-objects-of-no-practical-value, descend from their northern perches to bless us with a chance to gawk at their rare wares and customs, to catch a glimpse of meaning and beauty and truth as it is speculated upon and passed from immaculately moisturized hand to immaculately moisturized hand.
We, the rabble in the swamp, have been waiting all year long- our sun crazed eyes anxiously scanning the horizon for signs of pop-up tents, white sails announcing the arrival of the mothership of enlightenment's annual cargo from civilization, and now that it is here we can barely contain the saliva in our mouths as we crawl over each other for a suckle of that sweet sweet complimentary champagne.
If we are lucky and nice and inoffensive, The New York Times Big City News Paper of Import may even write a highly reductive travel guide with limited-to-moderate condescension! We are all dressed for the ball, but are we pretty enough yet? Smart enough? Please, come look at our artisanal bread shop, our craft breweries, our bike lanes! Is it our hair?
Teach us your white magik, strange visitors! Show us how to create meaning from branding and cash from context, fore we are but children and know only of real estate ventures and ponzi schemes! May we interest you in a Brickell Condo?
Art collectors! Let us witness your benevolence as you bestow fame and fortune on the winners of the thematic lottery, those who correctly guessed the social issue du jour which warms the hearts of the northerners and will allow them to return to Mount Olympus satiated with human experience!
We volunteer as tribute! Allow us to sacrifice our simple souls at the altar of progress! Look, we painted the walls for you! Look, we systematically disenfranchised communities entrenched in areas of potential interest! May the blood of the infidels run down NW 2nd Ave. to make way for a Forever 21 flagship store!
And when our dear visitors leave, please know that you will be missed. Long after you're gone we will adorn our dwellings with crude representations of your exploits, whisper to our children of your gorgeousness and intellect and generosity. Even if you never return, we will always hold the memory in our hearts of the one week a year we knew culture. Thank you, and welcome to Miami.


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